Worms Armageddon
by KennySheep
Summary: A simple little story about humans fighting their oldest and most bitter enemies, worms. Has some swearing, ye be warned!


"Sir, We need you guidance! Worms..."

"I told you, you are to address me as 'Milord!'"

"Sir, we really don't have time for this!"

"Fine, no clever leadership for you."

"Alright, alright. Milord, we need your guidance. W…"

"How can we still have problems, anyways? All our enemies are dead or dieing!"

"It's not them, it's the..."

"And the economy is booming!"

"Listen to me, were being attacked by…"

"I say the people are just being complainy, build some punishment spheres and see if that shuts them up."

"That really won't help with this..."

"Are you questioning my orders?"

"No, it's just that…"

"Because that could be considered treason, you know!"

"Would you stop interrupting me?"

"Would it end this conversation faster?"

"Probably."

"Fine then, what is it."

Phil took a deep breath before continuing. He never did like dealing with Prokhor Zakharov, even back in the good old days before the university could rule the world with an iron fist (and a shitload of nukes). Now, with every other nation either cowering in fear before them or reduced to a pile of radioactive rubble, Zakharov had been growing a tad paranoid. It wasn't too uncommon for whole cities to be purged to quell imagined revolutions or for high officials to be sentenced to death for blinking too much. Zakharov's office (where this happy little discussion was taking place) was air tight and completely sterile to protect against germs, which the great leader seemed to think were out to get him despite clinical immortality leaving pretty much everyone immune to everything.

"Sir…"

"Milord" Zakharov corrected him.

"Fine, milord" Phil said, trying desperately to get a very important point across, "Were under attack, mind worms!"

A look of shock and concern completely failed to appear on Zakharov's face. "That's all? You disturbed me for that? Remind me to throw you in the punishment spheres sometime."

"Milord, I don't think you understand the magnitude of this problem!"

"We've been fighting worms for hundreds of years now, how bad could this be?"

Phil didn't bother answering with words. Instead, he pressed a small, red button on Zakharov's desk that opened the blinds on the window behind them. The reason they needed some help was made clear pretty fast.

"Holy shit!" Was all that Zakharov could think to say about it.

Where their used to be a nice, big stretch of farms, mines, military bases and all those other wonderful things the terraformers had managed to crank out after their many years of working the land their was now only a massive, wriggly, pinkish mass covering all that the eye could see. The perimeter defense shields were keeping them out of the main city, but everything else was buried in 11 or 12 feet of mindworms.

A slightly mad glint appeared in Zakharov's eye. Phil knew it well. It always seemed to show up right before someone got sent to a rather unpleasant end.

"Why the hell didn't anyone tell me about this! Why wasn't I informed sooner! That many worms don't just show up overnight!" Zakharov shouted, foaming at the mouth a little.

"Milord, the thing is, they really did just turn up" Phil was trying to pick his words carefully to avoid the wrath of a deranged ruler, "I came to tell you as soon as I saw them!"

"How in the world could that many worms mass so fast?"

"Milord, we have men studying that right now. Right now the empaths seem to think the planet is… um… shall we say rebelling against us."

Apparently, this news wasn't what Zakharov wanted to hear. Luckily for Phil, the professor hadn't lost control yet.

"Well, why would the planet want to fight us, what have we ever done to it?" Zakharov asked, clearly trying to force himself not to shout.

"Right now, we think it has something to do with all those nukes you dropped. It seems that, contrary to popular belief, planets actually do mind when you wipe out a continent or two". Phil was nervous when he said that. It's never safe to be the bearer of bad news.

"Oh well" Zakharov said, suddenly sounding much happier, "If planetbusters got us into this, they can get us out. Nuke the whole boil!"

An almost jarring change had happened in the great leader of the university. He suddenly seemed happy and carefree despite the circumstances, and that was almost as creepy as him being angry.

"Sir, I hate to disappoint you, but all our other cities have reported seeing that same mass at their doorsteps as well. I really can't recommend we blow up our whole continent and all our cities just to wipe out some worms" Phil wasn't sure how Zakharov would react to this, but he still seemed happy.

"Ok then, I enjoy a challenge, they are just worms, right? We could just wait here. They won't be getting in any time soon."

"Then how would we get any more food?"

"Good point, how long could we last before everyone would starve to death?"

"About a week"

"Oh, that's no good then. How about we get that Lady Deidre person to talk to em'. She was always good at dealing with these critters."

"Sir, you had her put to death last week."

"Did I? Why would I do a thing like that?"

"You decided nudity was immoral and her continued existence might corrupt society"

"Oh ya…" Zakharov was silent for a while, then added, "It would have been nice if the planet gave us some warning about this before hand though."

"I did warn you," Replied a small voice inside his mind, "remember all that ominous poetry and visions of worms killing everyone?"

"That doesn't count! You weren't really warning me about anything, you were just being creepy!"

"I was hoping you could read between the lines. You're a smart guy after all"

Phil, who couldn't hear the voice of the planet, was given one more reason to be afraid of the great leader as he argued against himself.

"No, I don't see what was so bad about that… Come on! It was just one small cotenant, you have plenty of others… Hey, we have had plenty of studies on that, there is no statistical proof our factories are causing the oceans to rise… you're acting like I never did anything nice for you. Remember that preserve I made? Wasn't that good enough?… You know what, you can just go to hell. Get out of my head!"

Phil was just about to start backing away slowly when Zakharov snapped out of his little conversation with the voice. He looked mad as hell once again. "Minion, spread the word! I need everyone we have armed and at the perimeter now! Were going to show this son of a bitch planet whose boss! It'll pay for what I said about my mother! HAHAHAhahahaha! Oh, and I need you to tell someone to shoot my environmental adviser for me."

Phil then did the same thing any smart person would do in the same situation, he got the hell out of that office.

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Author's notes: Hi Ya'll! If you're reading this, I assume you sat through the 1189 words worth of crap that is this story. This may turn into a series… or not. It really depends if I can get motivated enough to write something else about how much I hated when worms always launch massive assaults on me for my polluting, nuke happy ways. Reviews are always welcome, no mater what you say in them. In fact, Flamers are perfectly welcome.


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